Announcement

I mentioned last week that all would be made clear about a big change in my life, but that I wanted to wait a while before I put it up here, even though I'm still not announcing it to everyone just yet. I don't think any of my friends read this blog anymore, but just in case someone I know does stumble upon this post, I ask that you talk to me first before talking to anyone else about it.
Now, on to the big announcement.

The Good News
As many people know, my husband has been going through a difficult time in the past seven years. He developed chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia and has basically been extremely tired, in pain, and dealing with depression related to his symptoms. We've tried different prescriptions, vitamins, supplements, and alternative therapies to alleviate his symptoms. Our goal was to get him back to a point where he could live with his disease without it taking over his life completely.

I am happy to announce that, as of a month ago, his symptoms have started to improve and he is slowly regaining his health. He's not cured, but his pain and fatigue have lessened significantly and his depression is (almost) non-existant.

The Bad News
He'd always been unsure about having kids, so when we thought I was pregnant in our first year of marriage, he was scared. I was sad when we found out it was just a long cycle after having come off the pill, but he was immensely relieved. After that, he decided that he never wanted to have kids, and was unsure of how to tell me, since I've known for most of my life that I wanted to be a mom. He's tried to change the way he feels and has tried to have the desire to want kids, but to no avail. He's mentioned to me many times during our marriage that he's not sure that he could handle having kids, but I always just assured him that it'd be okay. We didn't want to start a family when he was sick anyway, and since it didn't seem like he would get better, I thought I should just get used to the idea that it would never happen, and I tried to lessen my desire for children. But he noticed that the more I did that, the more sullen and depressed I got.

In case you haven't figured out where this is going yet, it all boils down to this: we are getting divorced. We've already put in the paper work and are waiting for it to go before a judge so it can be signed, and our marriage will be over. That should happen sometime in August. We decided this over the Memorial Day weekend, although we'd talked about it a few times before, but I don't think we really took it seriously until recently.

There are a few other reasons, but this is the biggest sticking point. I want a family but he can't stand children. How do you compromise on something like this? It wouldn't be fair for me to saddle him with a responsibility he doesn't want, or for him to keep me from having the one thing I want most in life (besides a stable, loving relationship). My dad asked me if I would prefer to have my husband or have kids. I'd love to remain married to him, but I'm afraid that I'd come to resent him.

In Conclusion
I'm living in a different room in the house until I can move back in with my parents. I also have a couple other living options up in the air. I started working full-time at my job last week, which will be a big help. Since he doesn't have a job yet, I'll keep the car, and since I have more of a chance at living on my own in the future, I get to keep most of the wedding gifts so I can furnish my own apartment (I'll let him have any duplicates). Yes, we've both agreed to these terms; we're making this as easy a divorce as possible.

Changes

A couple of things have been changing in my life, and they've been interesting to say the least. The one I feel like mentioning is something I just found out today that has actually been in the works for the past three months. (No, I'm not pregnant. I don't wish for that at present. More on that later.)

My husband has three older sisters (and three older brothers, but that's not important). The sister he's been closest to and her family have decided that they no longer want to be members of the Church. I don't know how they came to this decision; the in-laws seem to have known all along, and the sister recently started to tell her siblings about their decision. I'm surprised that my mother-in-law, who tends to get physically ill when faced with highly emotionally-charged circumstances, hasn't died from the shock. For someone who has been sealed in the temple raised her children in the church as righteously as she has, this must be a big blow to her. I personally wish them the best of luck as they continue to search for what they deem to be the truth.

The other changes coming my way involve an upgrade at my job and new living arrangements coming in the next couple months. I'll write more about that last part later. I doubt any of my friends still read this blog, but only a couple know about my plans, so I'm being cautious for a while, just in case. Rest assured, all will be made clear soon.

Thoughts...

Nieces: 11
Nephews: 17
Grand-nieces: 4, with one on the way
Grand-nephews: 1 on the way
Years in daycare, with kids that love me: 6
Kids of my own: 0

I'm lucky in the fact that my mom is still alive, and I have the knowledge of a Mother in Heaven who loves me.

I'm still sad to be the only married woman in both our families to not have kids.

I actually feel like I could do the childfree thing most of the time, except for those times I read a birth announcement and gets the pangs of sadness, or hear about how the greatest thing a woman can do is have a baby and feel like I'm missing out on something, especially in a church that is so family oriented.

Then again, no kids means fewer groceries, free time to do whatever I want, time to spend with just my hubby, fewer dishes, less laundry...

This is one aspect of our "new normal" that I think I've been having the hardest struggle with.

Mother in Prayer

On Christmas Day, I thanked both my Heavenly Parents for the birth of Their Son, Jesus Christ. I felt that including my Heavenly Mother was an appropriate thing to do, given the day. For a few while after, I even included Her in my personal prayers. But lately I haven't been. My prayers have a tendency to get rote very quickly, and I felt like I wasn't being true to my Mother. I can't really explain it any other way; just that I wasn't giving Her enough respect as the mother of my spirit.

We don't pray publicly to Her. Supposedly, we don't talk much about Heveanly Mother because we haven't had much revealed to us much beyond just the fact that She exists, which is true; but also because She's so sacred to Our Father that He doesn't want Her name dragged through the mud the same way His has been. That might be true, I don't know, but a thought similar to that came to mind today when I said my prayers this morning. I mentioned that I haven't been including Her, but that it was okay. I knew that She was listening anyway. I felt it then, and I feel it more now, writing this out.

She does exist! She loves us and listens to us. We may not know it, but She's there with Him, rooting for us when we excel and picking us up when we fall. I feel it was appropriate in my personal prayers to thank Her on Christmas Day, and I think I'll include Her when I feel it is appropriate. In the meantime, just knowing that She is listening anyway is comforting to me.

It's interesting...

The way the Spirit just hits you sometimes. A minute ago I was reading through my religious blogs, like I do each Sunday (that I have the chance). I read a blog by some nuns in New Jersey, Moniales OP, and I was reading about two women that went from postulant to novitiate on Friday (one of the steps toward becoming a full-fledged nun). I don't know why, but the picture of the two women being blessed by the priests made me cry tears of joy. It's so neat to see two women so completely devoted to God that they take such a momentous step in His service.

Not to sound like a know-it-all...

I read an article this morning about scholars who agree that God had a wife that was worshipped along with Him. In the Bible, the Isrealites worshipped both God and His wife, Asherah.

It's a concept I'm already familiar with, especially as a Latter-day Saint. It's not widely preached, but we do believe that we are children of Heavenly Parents, which means we have both a Heavenly Father and a Heavenly Mother. True, we don't pray directly to our Heavenly Mother, but I believe that when we pray, even though we direct the prayer to Heavnly Father, it goes to both of them.

My Beliefs (Parts 17-20)

These are the last questions on the quiz. The answers, and why I chose them, follow.

Question #17
Social betterment programs (e.g., equality, anti-poverty, education) should be fundamental.
-Agree
-Disagree
-Not applicable

Most definitely. "Do unto others", right?

Question #18
Nonviolence (e.g., pacifism, conscientious objector) should be fundamental.
-Agree
-Disagree
-Not applicable

I don't know what to say beyond I agree.

Question #19
Prayer, meditation, or spiritual healing practices shoud be favored to the exclusion of conventional health treatment (for all serious conditions or serious types of conditions).
-Agree
-Disagree
-Not applicable

I'm all for trying prayer or other spiritual healing practices (we're big on the laying on of hands), but there are certain instances where simply meditating away a broken leg won't cut it. The phrase, "God helps those who help themselves" comes to mind. Go ahead and say a prayer, but a trip to the emergency room won't hurt.

Question #20
Revering nature or the environment should be fundamental.
-Agree
-Disagree
-Not applicable.

The earth can't take care of us if we don't take care of it. Simple enough.
-----

Well, that's it for my What I Believe series. Thanks for hanging on for the ride!

For some reason, I was doing laundry, and a scene from a somewhat famous LDS movie popped in my head. If you grew up in the LDS church in the 90s, you have most likely seen the movie Saturday's Warrior at least once. I could recite most of the movie by heart, I'm sure. I loved that movie, and the ending has always made me cry. I thought for sure the man I was going to marry was my sweetheart in the pre-existence, and we would be looking for each other on earth. I'm sure it wasn't quite like that, but I like to think I was supposed to marry the man I did.

Anyway, that's not important, and it's not the reason I wanted to post tonight. There's a scene early in the movie in the pre-existence where people are getting ready to be born, including two men that will end up being mission companions on earth, and twin siblings that will be the start of a family of eight. There's a matron character who makes sure that the spirits leave on time for them to be born and sends them to Earth. Besides making sure that the spirits leave on time, she often gives pieces of advice to the Earth-bound spirits.

Then the thought struck me. What if that's part of Heavenly Mother's job? I can see Her now, sitting with people who are preparing for their time on Earth, giving them bits of advice, sending them off with a hug and a kiss for luck; like a mom getting her kids ready for their first day of school. It's a nice thought.

My Beliefs (Parts 13-16)

These are the thirteenth through sixteenth questions from the Belief-O-Matic. My answers, and why I chose them, follow.

Question #13
Elective abortion should be accepted (not proclaimed or treated as immoral).
-Agree
-Disagree
-Not applicable

Electing to have an abortion can't be an easy thing to go through with. (I haven't a clue, since I've never been in that position.) I can agree that forcing a woman to have a baby after being raped can be rather cruel. True, she could still keep the baby and give it up for adoption, but not every woman can go through with it.
I'm still up in the air about aborting a child destined to have a disability, whether mental or physical. People with disabilitites deserve a chance at life as much as the next person, but I understand that some parents would not be able to handle it. I also wonder how many people are open to the idea of adopting a special needs baby/child.
If I were in a position where I had to decide whether or not to abort a baby I was carrying, I would do a lot of hard thinking and praying on it before I made a final decision.

Question #14
Homosexual behavior should be regarded as immoral or out of harmony.
-Agree
-Disagree
-Not applicable

I believe some people are born with homosexual feelings, and I believe others opt for it because of bad experiences they've had in their lives. I have friends and an extended family member (that I know of so far) who are gay. I'm happy when they find someone they love, and sad when their relationships end.
I try to love everyone they way God would want me to. After all, we are all His children, whether you're heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transgendered, asexual (no sexual feelings at all), intersexual; the list goes on and on. (Heck, until the past couple years, I was only aware of the gender binary.)
I agree that if everybody deserves the same freedoms, then everybody deserves the right to get married, or to adopt a baby. I would attend a same-sex ceremony for somebody I'm close to if I had the chance. (I actually had one last year, but wasn't able to attend.) I would support my gay friends and family if they decided to start a family.
Despite all this, I just can't bring myself to fully embrace homosexuality and all that goes with it, if that makes any sense. It's something that I still have to make some decisions on.

Question #15
Roles for women and men should be proscribed.
-Agree
-Disagree
-Not applicable

I'm not sure why I agreed with that statement. I guess it's just because that's a part of my religion, as well as most other religions.

Question #16
Divorce and/or remarriage should be restricted or punished or condemned.
-Agree
-Disagree
-Not applicable

I think divorce needs to be an option, and absolutely necessary in some cases. No one deserves to be shamed because they divorced.

Taking a break from the My Beliefs posts. I have a habit of reading all my religious blogs on Saturdays, and one of them is a group blog called Wheat & Tares (it's in my sidebar). Yesterday, Bored in Vernal posted about a website called Agitating Faithfully. The site is "devoted to gender equality in the church", the idea being extending the priesthood to the women of the church.

Over 50 people (at the time of this writing) have signed their names to the list, apparently including one in the next stake over from mine. The name of the website comes from an interview with former prophet Gordon B. Hinckley. In an interview, someone asked him if it would be possible for the rules to one day change, allowing women to hold the priesthood. His answer: "Yes. But there's no agitation for that. We don't find it." Basically, it's possible that someday women will have the priesthood, but there hasn't been much said about it.

I think it'd be nice to have some sort of authority to use the laying on of hands in an official capacity to bless someone who needs help. For example, if my husband is having a really bad day, which happens often with fibromyalgia, it'd be nice if I could give him a blessing of comfort. Or if we have kids one day, I'd like to be able to give them a blessing if the husb weren't available. (Where he'd go with all the pain he's in I don't know. It's just wishful thinking, after all.)

At any rate, I wish Agitating Faithfully the best of luck in getting people to talk about one of the big questions facing the church today. I may one day add my list to the names.

My Beliefs (Part 12)

This is the twelfth question from the Belief-O-Matic. My answer, and why I chose it, follows.

Question #12
Choose ALL statements below that represent your beliefs.
-Adhere strictly to the rites, practices, precepts, commandents, prohibitions, laws, sacraments, or ordinances of the faith to be rewarded after life.
-All, even the wicked, are rewarded after life (e.g., go to heaven, merge with God) as God(s) is infinitely good and forgiving.
-Extinguish all cravings, attachments, and ignorance, or rid oneself of all impurities, to become fully enlightened.
-Learn all life's lessons through rebirths.
-Realize your true nature as purely spirit (or soul) and not body, as one with the Absolute, Universal Soul.
-Live very simply; renounce worldly goals and possessions.
-Tap the power of the Ultimate (God, or the divine), through intercessory methods such as psychics, channeling, tarot cards, crystals, magic.
-Humankind is "saved" through human effort rather than through religious or spiritual means.

I picked the first option because that's what I try to do each day. I try to be nice to others, pray daily, not put bad things into my body, pay my tithing each month. And it's not just my religion. I'm sure Catholics try to pray daily, be nice to others, go to church each week, and try to do what else the church asks of them. Buddhists try each day to do what they're taught. We all pretty much believe that if we do as we are asked, we will receive some sort of reward when we're done with this life.

I also picked the second one because it's something I've been taught. We are all spirit sons and daughters of God and He wants us to return to Him one day. Except for a few that will be cast into outer darkness (and I'm sure it's something rare, since you'd practically have to have talked with God face to face and know for a surety that He exists, then deny His existence afterwards to qualify), we will all inherit some form of reward on the other side. I don't think all Mormons are going to heaven simply because that's where we were baptized in life, just as I don't think all athiests are going to hell simply because they don't believe in a higher power. No matter who we are, we will all have to answer for our actions here on earth. No matter what religion we professed to be, in essence we'll all go to heaven because God loves us all.

Even though it's not a major tenant of my religion, I also chose option six. I commend people like Catholic nuns who are so devoted to their religion that they give up worldly possessions to live a life of simplicity. In that respect, they're doing a much better job of it than I am.